Photograph by Hillary Kaufman
Birthday Passage Stream of Consciousness
by Michelle Katz
Friday was my Birthday. And every birthday I sit with my journal and write. This year, this is part of what came:
A year in review: It began with a beautiful solo day, a woodpecker in the silent snow, and a dinner with friends. 2-3 days later I learned I was sick, worst flu of my life. An awkward and hard Christmas celebration. A sweet time in a cabin on the Chama River. 2 Heartaches, one year, very unusual for me. An ongoing nonsensical lawsuit, an eventual call by the judge, “closed with prejudice”. Training: dog, biking, alpine hiking. All over the state of New Mexico. Great gathering of Wilderness Guides in the deep Arizona desert. Humbling hikes to Alpine places. Developing new friendships. Fostering long lasting friendships. Finding friends on the trail through synchronistic commonalities. Grief. A return to Montana, the Buffalo, the winter wild landscape. A Magical Love Story. A best friend move-in. Heroes Journey Ceremony, Night Walk Ceremony, Grief Ceremony, community and storytelling. Work expansion, changing lives. Office move. Shakespeare Festival. Beautiful couple. Loss of family, growth of family. An attempt at learning Spanish. Incredible Journey to Peru, lifelong dream met. Lima, Amazon, Cusco, Andes, Machu Picchu. Sliding down sand dunes, southern hemisphere oceans, out of season thunder storms in the jungle, the Inca trail, sleeping in a ruin, arriving at the stairs of a hidden city calling to me for years. Meeting and living through my fear of heights, again, again and again. Long lost friends found in alcoves of ancient cities. Fostering my dreams into being. From the deep dark places, creating light. What’s next? Embracing a new outlook about awkwardness in life. Supported by incredible people. Coyotes. Heartbreak that left me shattered and confused. Grief. The kindness of people. Opuntia. Tres Ps. Giving and continually learning to receive, a rich exchange. Arroyo laying. Hammock star gazing. Art making. Strange footprints in the sand. Mysterious house happening. Forgiveness. Mediterranean cooking. Learning the meaning of true friendship. Learning the meaning and expression of true love. Learning about maturity, humanity, growing up. Learning about showing up -- with integrity. Opening my heart. Opening to my femininity, meeting the masculine. Stepping into isolation. Stepping into community. Stepping into being seen. Apologizing. Resisting and dancing with busy-ness, responsibility. Making time for play. Distracting myself from the call. Waking up, meeting it. Freezing storm hiding under the roots of a down tree. Night hikes, night hikes, night hikes. The mystery. Heart tending. Car accident. Three California trips in four weeks. Into the smoky California fires, celebrating the rain, cooking by candle light, a beautiful Thanksgiving. Honoring myself. Honoring other. Honoring earth. Making every success worth celebrating. Laughter. Tears. Anger. Disbelief. Grief. Dreaming. Coconut milk chia. 3 grants awarded, 3 project budgets. Gratitude, naming three or more a day. Challenging edges. Communicating. Finding feeling place. This is home. “Come on, is this all you got!?” (to the wind, to the rain, to life.) Laughing fits, in public, a scene. Spontaneity. The Woodpecker and another journey begins. Who am I now? And now? And now?
For the year to come: Balance. Balance in community and work. Balance in dreaming and reality. Balance in partnership. Balance with adventure and travel and commitments and rest. Balance in self-care and challenge. Calling in my practice for grounding. Study of a mythology that informs the year.
Great Learnings: Not many can handle my depth, my bigness, my boldness, my loving, my full expression of self, my introspection, my investment in growth, my wildness: find those who can and stick with them! Slow is a beautiful pace. I can hold it, I’m strong. I can stay with discomfort. I am patient beyond belief. I need. I give. Authenticity is key. Love is more than a welcome and lovely distraction from the outlined path created only in our minds. Love is not within our control. The depth of my work now must happen in relationship. I just want 10 people to come out and sit in a circle with me in the woods. Health is vital for my joy. Laughter is vital for my health. I am lovable. I can be with the mystery, with the not knowing, for the unforeseen duration. Trust. Rest. Write. Humor. Nature. Dog. Friends. Travel. I lead with my heart; I cannot do it any other way.
Another year begins…
How do you mark your year? What do you let go of and how do you step in to the new? How do you grow more into yourself and your purpose and path? Oaks Counsel can help you on your Journey, check out our program!