Relationship Rites of Passage

Relationships change all the time.   When we commit to someone, as a parent or a partner or friend, we expect some sense of consistency.  However, loss in relationship occurs all the time, things shifts and can no longer be what they use to be.  The question is, how do we face these changes and losses?  Most of the time, we just trudge on, adjusting by ignoring or checking out; sometime we face the shift with lots of resistance, kicking and screaming, or in the adult version complaining and expressing frustration in all the ways we do—walking out, rolling our eyes, lying, cheating, spying, laughing at another’s emotions, reaching for the wine bottle, the list goes on. (I’m being polite in these examples.)  All these ways of facing change make us smaller, not challenging us to show up in our truth or the truth of the matter. 

A relationship that meant a lot me, changed this week.  I found myself being lured into these patterns of avoidance, “Come on Michelle, just watch Netflix all day, you can’t feel this, it’s too much.”  I couldn’t believe how much this thought couldn’t see the courage and strength and reliance inside of me.  Changes change us, if we are brave enough to acknowledge the change and ourselves.  I moved with the change, gathered my firewood and built my pyramid of wood in my fireplace.  I placed the newspaper balls and kindling one by one, honoring through naming all the gifts of the relationship and all I have learned.  I lite the fire.  I blew at the embers to watch the flame rise, now naming what I will miss most.  And I as I watched the flame consume the wood, with tears moving me to new places, I recalled what I would not miss.  And as I tended to the fire, I remember all the moments that I loved, log by log, crackling sound by crackling sound, these memories will live in me forever.  And when I let the flame burn it’s self out, I found myself in gratitude for what was and willing to uncover what may emerge next.

What if we did this in relationship?  What if we honored each other and relationship in this way?  What if we could have a complete seeing of the good, the bad, the neural in our relating to another.  When a relationship changes, we have an opportunity to meet the change, wouldn’t it be amazing if we did so?  What could be discovered about ourselves, the other, and about the world around us? The trees, the oceans, the stars are all constantly modeling relationship change in a natural way.  What can we learn from them?  Is it not our rite, our human nature, to find our way in this passage in a way that reveals our gifts and brings us forth to show up in this world in all the ways we can?

We Need You.

This week we have been ushered into a new presidency.  Despite where you lie on the political spectrum, our nation is entering the unknown.  We do not know what the era of Trump will bring, nor do we truly know how long it will last. It is likely that the events that follow this election will continue to challenge us and hopefully open us up; because it is more than clear that Trump is like no other president our nation has seen before.  Thus, as a nation, we are in a Rite of Passage, here, now, and collectively.  What we know has ended and the unknown begins.

This is an opportunity for us to show up.  The three stages of initiation have started; we are severing from what we know and entering the threshold process.  What will be revealed in this time we must take with us to incorporate something new to the world.  This is how a person, a people, a nation grows. 

This week began with the celebration of MLK, a man and a symbol embodying the civil rights movement.  I recall his dream for our nation, his actions both light and dark in nature, how he was so human as he spoke for humanity.  And with him I could not help but think of all the civil right movement leaders, Malcolm X, Harvey Milk, Betty Friedan, the list goes on.  And in this remembering of great leaders, I wondered who are our great leaders moving us forward.  It is in these interesting times, these times of threshold, that leaders are revealed.  In these times of self-reflection that the question of “What am I capable of?”  or “What can I do?” arise and bring forth all parts of ourselves to be a part of this world.  We need you.  This week ended with an inauguration of a president that brings two important questions to the forefront; 1. How will a national movement be brought into motion? and 2. What is our belief about leadership? 

We need leaders and focus at times like this.  Where are our MLK’s, Harvey Milk’s, Betty Friedan’s?  Where are those who stand behind such important voices in solidarity? We need you in all the ways you can show up, the leader of something or the person supporting that leader, the followers that truly create the movement.  The ego must be moved aside in these times for a great purpose to be met.  This is an invitation. What calls you?

Why is Rites of Passage important?

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Transitions are hard.

I would leave it at that, but this idea is so foreign that it needs more explanation.  We all go through so many life phases changes; the most obvious one is adolescence to adulthood, but there is also the movement in and out of relationships, into and out of careers, parenting and empty-nesting, retirement, moving locations, grieving a huge loss (of a person or way of life).  The maxim, “the only constant is change” gets tossed around as if we can somehow just manage it.  But, gosh darn it, it’s hard!

Humans are pretty amazing, we find our way in moving through these changes.  We feel these challenges deep inside us, on a soul level. We may find ourselves on this unavoidable path of change craving ways to mark it.  Lacking options, we find ourselves turning to anger and aggression to others, alcohol or drug use, high speed and reckless driving, hiding in a dark room watching Netflix for as many hours of the day as possible, meeting and trusting untrustworthy strangers to guide us toward something, inflicting some form of pain just to feel something, judging others, attempting suicide etc.  We want, so badly, the outside world to reflect the big changes happening on the inside.  Unfortunately, we turn to these things mostly because we have lack readily available ways create meaningful experiences that acknowledge our life changes. 

What we are really seeking are ways for these shifts to be acknowledged by those around us; and even more, we want the ordeal of the situation to reveal to us what we are truly capable of, we want to reveal who we are, to give us purpose for continuing on.   It is the job of those who have been through these passages to help others through their unique passage, to encourage their knowing of themselves and abilities to make it through even the most challenging of times, toward a continually growing whole sense of Self.  This is important for the development of a person, the creation of a community, and the evolution of the world.  When sitting with change, we have an opportunity to be ushered into a new life in a healthy way.

Everyday, A New Year’s Resolution

Every time the year turns, we think, I’ll try something new.  Maybe it’s a new exercise regimen or diet, maybe it’s a noble effort to take up a new interest like playing an instrument or doing art, maybe it’s an intention to be more giving or relaxed.  But let’s face it, more often than not we set our goals for the New Year and we fall short, giving us a very valid reason to judge and be disappointed in ourselves.

I have given up on the new years resolution idea.  Instead, I have taken on more regular intention setting for the changing of my everyday Self.  Every morning, I wake up a different person because everyday I gain another layer of experience that impacts the way I am in the world.  As it is meant to be.  How can I expect to hold the same intention in the same way for a whole 365 days?  This does not acknowledge that I am human, and even more it does not acknowledge my very human nature to change based on the season within me.  Do we hold the cottonwood tree to it’s green leaves?  Or the large rock to it’s warm seat? 

Everyday, the wind and the weather of the day changes us.  I wake up to mark a threshold everyday, and to meet the trees who have also changes from the previous days weather.  Everyday, I walk past a local park’s arch way, in a ceremony I actively partaking in, I set an intention for: compassion or peace or honesty or presence, whatever it is that I know I need that day (lately, it’s been an intention for positivity).   And I tell every tree with a touch, this is my intention, knowing they are my witness and that I will be accepted in my process of learning to live into it no matter what.  I cross the archway back home and I hold this brief time in nature as I move through the day. Knowing tomorrow, I may need another intent to guide me.  Acknowledging that we are always changing, we can hold our every-changing human nature with truth, celebrating all we do to meet ourselves and live into who we are and the purpose of our lives.

7 Ways to Connect to Nature in 5 Minutes or Less

More and more it feels like there is not enough time.  In the last month, I found myself sitting with big life questions and craving deeply for a community to hold me.  Even more, I found that I was seeking to witness others in their lives: what questions might my friends be holding, what trials are they living, what stories could they share that might inspire and teach me.  I began to reach out. Then the scheduling game began, the ability to find a time for connecting seemed nearly impossible.  How have we come to not have time for each other?

In addition, as I see clients, I feel aware of this emerging difficulty with boredom.  Boredom has somehow come to be the thing we most avoid and can't bare to experience. It has come to be considered a problem.  This every moment has to be scheduled thing we do, appears to be a way to manage and avoid boredom.  But Why?   What are we so scared of in the experience of boredom?  Hasn't our extremely busy-ness made us long for some time to do nothing as this point.  Have we come to judge ourselves if we do "nothing".  When and how did boredom become an enemy instead of an opportunity?...an opportunity to connect!

Around this time, I came across an article by Krista Trippett titled the Disease of Being Busy .  She writes the same questions that arouse in my frustration, need for community and for slowing down to feel into who I am:
 
How did we end up living like this? Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we do this to our children? When did we forget that we are human beings, not human doings?

Whatever happened to a world in which kids [and adults] get muddy, get dirty, get messy, and heavens, get bored? Do we have to love our children so much that we over-schedule them, making them stressed and busy — just like us?

What happened to a world in which we can sit with the people we love so much and have slow conversations about the state of our heart and soul, conversations that slowly unfold, conversations with pregnant pauses and silences that we are in no rush to fill?

How did we create a world in which we have more and more and more to do with less time for leisure, less time for reflection, less time for community, less time to just… be?

Somewhere we read, “The unexamined life is not worth living… for a human.” How are we supposed to live, to examine, to be, to become, to be fully human when we are so busy?"

The problem with this is that this busy-ness creates a dynamic of feeling more and more alone and less and less connected to the world around us, but, what's wild is that we are all under some disguise that we more connected in our doing.

I have learned that in this world, creating time to connect with community and myself is a task of disproportional levels do to the busy-ness of our lives, it is the sneaking of connection to myself, my nature, my dear friend and the nature of the world around me in the brief moments between things, that I have come to cherish.  

Here are 7 ways to sneak in these brief moments of connection:

1. Look up: Our world can be so small when we are busy, the expression "nose to the grind stone" comes to mind, we focus our attention on tasks at hand, and often this requires looking down, at the ground so we don't trip in our fast pace, at the paper in hand or the computer/phone in front of us etc... I invite you to take 5 minutes or less to look up at the sky...day or night, gain perspective, notice the world is bigger than you see at any given moment.  

2. Sit on the earth:  Busy schedules tend to include being in chairs, cars, or walking about. Take some time to sit down on the earth, sitting lower slows us down and allows us to tap, however briefly, into the rhythm of nature.  When we were young we sat on the ground all the time, remember this for a moment, go outside find a good spot of soil, sand, grass, or rock and criss-cross applesauce!  Once you're down, do whatever you want!

3. Play a game of smell and find:  Speaking of being young and playful again, see if you can introduce this game into your repertoire of busy.  Go outside, this can be in your backyard, a garden, or the park down the street.  Once there, close your eyes and inhale through your nose, and notice your olfactory palette experience, notice the smell that is most intense or pleasurable or slight or interesting to you.  Then open your eyes and begin to play a game of hide and seek with the scent.  You are always it but it's super fun!

4. Close your Eyes and Listen: So you can close your eyes and smell, or you can close your eyes and listen.  We are largely visual being living a very visual oriented world, it is easy to forget our other sense as times.  So take a moment to go outside and remember you are a hearing person as well!  Listen and discovery what's around you in a different way, do the trees, wind, birds, insects make a sound?  See how long you can last without opening your eyes, live in your curiosity with sound as a way to connect to the world around you.  What's greeting you that you don't recognize with your eyes?

5. Create a spot to give to every day:  This is an activity that you can revisit over and over.  And there are so many ways to do this!  Gather some rocks or sticks or pinecones, or whatever calls to you to make it your own.  Using your found items create a space however big or small, create a border around this space so that you can find it easily again and again.  Place whatever you'd like into this space.  But the important part is to visit it daily with an offering...perhaps a flower, or an herb picked by the nearby plant, or drops of water or a new rock or acorn.  This can be your garden or just a small square at the base of tree, but the brief exchange is reciprocal and can be transformational!

6. Touch: Touch everything!  We have tons of boundaries as humans, but nature does not hold these rules.  So, go out and touch everything!  Leaves, tree trucks, bugs, flower petals, thorns, blackberries, rocks, water.  Whatever you touch you are connected to instantly!

7. Get a Dog:  (I know, this is a big commitment one, but I just had to include it as a dog owner and lover.) Dogs are not only great companions AND they are great for getting you outside!  Say what you will about them being needy creatures, and recognize that their needy-ness to go out brings you out--it's truly the gift that is of greatest benefit to you!

Research has shown that as little as 5 minutes a day outside has an incredibly huge impact on an individual.  Being outside can increase attention, elevate mood, decrease stress levels, lower blood pressure, lead to fewer headaches and illness, and greater life satisfaction.  Nature can restore us, physically, psychologically and socially.  Being busy may seem like you are living; but I encourage you to take time to connect with nature daily and see how Alive you become.

Growing in Groups

We are all just walking each other home---Ram Dass

There are vast expanses to leap across as we move through life and especially in the stage between childhood/adolescence and adulthood.  The terrain that must be traversed varies for each individual; it can be steep, rocky, smooth, slippery, deep, a narrow crevasse, or a grand canyon, it can be full of deep waters to swim or it may be a desolate desert to cross.  Skill is acquire as one moves through the terrain and faces monumental tasks of growth and development.  Some make it across the expanse unscathed, some injured, some barely clear it the first time but try and again with great success, and some don’t make it through at all and give up trying.  For those who cross and continue to cross, it is the community that supports the process, those that surrounds them and holds them in the leap, witnesses the aloneness of the jump and catches them on the other end with great encouragement.

The significant developmental shift during this time is the movement from one frame of reference to another; the frame of family shifts in importance as one moves toward valuing peers.  The very nature of groups coming together is to provide context in which one can begin to establish and increase a sense of their own identity as well as navigate way to being effective in the world.

As one moves through these expanses, it is important to remember that we cannot do it alone, we need each other.  Nature mirrors this for us:  Birds and fish move together for protection; elephants, lions and monkeys care for each other and each others’ young supporting and witnessing each other in growth; wolves hunt together in pacts, strategizing, completing and celebrating their tasks; ants communicate and create intricate systems of structure through understanding the unique role each plays in the greater community, often accomplishing pursuits 100x their size;  the forest needs all the animals, insects and plants within it to maintain is healthy ecosystem; and dolphins assemble in play as well in holding each other during difficult times, they even have been known to offer help to other species in distress, namely humans, they have a remarkable ability to empathize, creating complex social bonds.  Humans have and thrive in these ways of community too.

We are not only our family system, we are part of a greater system and we begin to learn this as early as 10-14 years old.  This is when the shift away from family and the movement toward relying and focusing on peers begins.  At this time a young person is able to learn to rely on their feelings, thoughts and reactions in relationships with peers that are experiencing similar feelings, thoughts and reactions during an time of physical, cognitive and emotional change.  Young teens share their experiences with those who are in a similar stage to know the similarities and difference of this transformational phase of life.

As adolescence continues, we grow more and more peer-oriented, establishing out identity and way of being in the social world.  We move toward individuation from the family system and look toward peers and adults other than parents for signs and clues as to what and who he/she wishes to become.  During this time, more intimate relationships and dating occur, providing an opportunity to explore differences with intensity and focus.  This helps us cultivate identity and character as our relationship with peers and family become more stable, complex, intimate, and reciprocal in our developing understanding of gains and losses.

Group processes provide a vehicle for struggling teens and young adults to be ushered through these huge and complex life phase tasks.  In this process, each person can lean into the natural tendency to look toward peers and other adults about who they are, what’s important to them, what they offer as a gift to the world and how to engage in living their unique lives.

As a facilitator of group process, it is a privilege and honor to create an environment for safe exploration of thoughts and feelings and ways to express oneself effectively.  In group processes, teens can find their way in meeting and resolving conflicts, setting boundaries, learning to value Self and others, building trust, speaking truths, establishing meaningful relationships and to develop a capacity for intimacy.  Furthermore, this is a place for leaning into the difficulties and scary places of our inner world with confidence in the ability to be seen, heard and valued.

The journey across this vast abyss is one of extraordinary change, growth, and self-discovery; this journey is not devoid of pain and confusion, yet it is ultimately a journey worth celebrating.  In the process of learning of and becoming our true selves, it is the group that surrounds us, which powerfully holds us to who we are meant to be and what we are meant to live.

Check out Oaks Counsel's group offerings.

#oakscounsel  #teens  #groups  #teengroups #adolescence  #youngadults  #nature  #ritesofpassage  

Mentoring for Human Evolution

When I was a teenager and young adult, my relationships with adults guided me through the most difficult times.  I recall spending free periods in my favorite teacher's classroom chatting about the difficulties of gossip, relationships and peer pressure, when having trouble with my parents it was one of my best friend's mom who supported me through my process of individuation, and in college some of my favorite conversations were outside of the classroom with professors sharing about our lives or with my friend's parents over family weekend.  Relationships with parents are challenging during this phase of life, and supportive non-parent adults can be powerful as well as enhance the quality and course of a life. 

Researchers at the Search Institute identified supportive relationships with three or more non-parent adult role models who value a youth is essential to that youth's well-being and health.  In our every changing fast-paced technological world, which have led to vastly different parenting models and family system dynamic than just one generation ago, youth are experiencing more isolation.  Thus, young people are not forming connections with caring adults outside of the family system.  Furthermore, intergenerational contact has changed so much that it reduces the availability of caring adults while changes in economy, social and cultural conditions have increased vulnerability to challenges in life.  This is a huge loss for all people, young and old!

Mentorship is needed more than ever.  So, what is a Mentor?  The etymology of the world translates as "Wise advisor" from the Greek Mentor, advisor to Telemachus (son of Odysseus). The root of the word comes from mentos, meaning spirit, purpose, intent, passion.  Odysseus left home when Telemachus was an infant, thus Telemachus, from his youth into his twenties, was instructed by Mentor, often seen as a disguised Athena (Goddess of Wisdom, Courage, and Inspiration as well as Strength, Strategy and Skill) to gain knowledge of his father.  The stories he learns are complementary yet often contradictory.  Telemachus comes into his power when his father is truly revealed to him through Athena's guidance; only then, Telemachus begins his heroic journey, with the knowing of how how his heroic nature is ever present in him.

Telemachus through his Mentor/Athena began to understand his own strength, courage and wisdom through the learning of the world his father navigated. But he did not learn this directly through his father.  Mostly he learned this through the sharing of stories from others.  Telemachus through this story sharing experience and guidance,  integrated and developed this heroic internal Self, in order to develop more fully into who he is and live into his own unique heroic journey.

Mentorship matters!  The support and witnessing of an adult improves a sense of health and well-bing, self-image and self-worth, and sense of feeling valued and appreciated.  A mentor supports feelings of competence and accomplishment, and encourages spiritual fulfillment.  An adult in a young person's life can help that young person gain perspective and deeper insight into their experiences.  Meanwhile, mentors learn from the youth, this is how human beings evolve, through the listening to young people as they speak about the changing world, the new ideas that arise through them are imperative for our evolution.  And furthermore, mentors learn about their lives through the lives of young people.  In the sharing of stories, in the knowing someone has your back and understands you without any agenda or alter-motive, in the feeling that someone truly wants to spend time with you and embrace who you are, there is growth in all directions. There is a reciprocity and intergenerational connection that occurs and contributes to society in a very important and meaningful way.  This is what brings back a sense of how we contribute to the world, through purpose, passion, and intent!  Young people need this, Adults need this, The world needs this.

What Begins with The End

We tend to think of stories as emerging from consciousness—from dreams or fantasies—and traveling through words or images to other minds. We see them outside of us, on paper or on screen, never under the skin. But we do feel stories. We know in our gut when we’re hearing a good one—and science is starting to explain why. Experiencing a story alters our neurochemical processes, and stories are a powerful force in shaping human behavior.

. - Jeremy Adam Smith, The Science of the Story  

This week, while experiencing a particularly difficult situation, I found myself on the phone with a friend.  We took turns telling stories about what was happening in our lives at this time and then exchanging words or deep understanding and empathy.  As I shared about a struggle with relationship, the conversation shifting from the present to the past and I found myself transported into my friend's incredible world of love and loss and understanding.  

We both recognized the power of how friends respond to us during our very personal struggles, how each individual has their own particular response based largely on their own life stories as they bring those into expressions of understanding and how they offer suggestions or perspective.  

But in this exchange, first and foremost, I noticed how I could not help myself from being in her story, a story of years ago seemed to be happening for me right in that moment. Thought she was in the main character, I could not help but feel myself in that role, living the story she was speaking.  I was in awe and then tears as she continued through story.

And then, I recognized this to be the most memorable part of the conversation for me.  I cannot truly remember words or advice or morals to the story which I know came before and after the telling of the tale.  But I remember the emotion, detail and overall my personal experience of the story, which I learned from, creating my own personal interpretation and understanding.

Storytelling is a integral process in nature-based healing.  The sharing of a story when one goes on a solo walk or wilderness quest is imperative to the integration of how to move forward in life.  The hearing of what problems arouse on the Quest and how an individual rose to the occasion to solve that problem or meet that challenge, engages a part of us that FEELS and becoming present in the experience of all of ourselves.  Yes, we hear it and experience  through mirror neurons, yes, we grow emotional and our limbic system comes alive, but most of all we experience a bond with each other, the story becomes one of the collective.  Through the sharing of stories we understanding others and even more, we understand ourselves more clearly.  As the story ends, all the ways it continues to live in us begins.  Storytelling teaches us to survive in this world, learning ways to solve problems and care for each other, revealing to us how to live our purpose in this world-- learning the story of how to be compassionate, heroic, loving, mature, intentional, and a member of a community.

I am ready to learn from you story.

Everything You Think You Know Is Bogus

"The successful part of any system, is the most flexible one" -Presupposition

Very soon, I will be heading out on my Wilderness Quest for the year.  In preparation for this, I went out on a medicine walk.  As the day began, and I knew that the journey ahead was unclear to me, (I didn't even know my destination spot let alone my intention was still foggy) I grew angry, of all things.  As I prepared, packing my journal, layers and water, looking over maps and reading about trails.  I grew more and more angry.  I couldn't not find the map I knew I had bought just a couple month back and none of the online maps were clear.  And the more and more things were missing or hard to find the more and more angry I got.  I even began to throw things around my house in complete and utter frustration.  Resolving nothing, I just decided to head out, figuring I'd find my way, because looking for it wasn't working.

On my way out, I ran an errand for a friend and this was my first reprieve from the day's anger.  To be of service, to get out of myself, it lasted only a moment, what it was potent. 

Then I ventured to the National Forest Service Ranger Station.  I was seeking the Petroglyphs of Bear Valley, I had seen picture images and wished to sit with them personally feeling connection to land and the people who know this land, with deep ancestry. Knowing exactly where I wanted to go, but unable to find the trailhead on any map, I asked for help, I turned to my community members.  But alas, they too did not know. (frustration building again)  I sorted through their maps, studying them carefully to memory.  I found and bought the map that I needed.  Much later than I hoped for, I hit the road.  Parked my car and headed toward a large meadow.

The grass was as tall as I was.  The wind blew and I found myself in awe of it's oceanic waves.  But the path, that, I could not find.  I dove into the meadow regardless, thinking I would come across it at some point. After all, the map led me here.  The ground was uneven and hard to see in the tall grass, my legs taking large steps, I grew tired and hot quickly.  I climbed on top of a boulder in the middle of the meadow, in hopes the height would provide insight as to where the trail was.  There was no such luck.  My anger grew inside me as one thing after another did not work out.  I began my ceremony, crossing the threshold on that boulder, marking the intention of stepping into my adulthood more fully. With all I had learned over the years,  I wished to release the ways depression and anxiety overcame me and move more confidently into know myself and holding myself to offer my gifts to the world. 

I never found the path that day.  The map, I consulted often, continue to lead me astray.  I trudged through what felt like an endless field of tall grass, noticing my anger and the the magnificent beauty in ever other moment.  "Why can't I find my way?"  "Wow, the grass is so soft between my fingers."  "I am so tired from all this difficult walking."  "The swallows have this beautiful blue coloring as they dive for their meal and sometimes dance with a mate."  I even began walking up and down route 20 to seek out any sort of sign for this trail, alas, finding a sign the size on my palm, but upon following its marker, I found no trail of any sort.

I threatened giving up, longing for the creature comforts of food (my stomach grumbling from the fast), company (a good distraction from this madness or at least a companion in it) and shelter (a good bed after all that wild terrain.)  Though I knew, at this point, I had past the point of no return.  I wandered more and more.  Finally thinking that I would return to a trail I knew well, despite the arduous journey up a bumpy dirt road, meeting deer* along the way, reminding me to be gentle with myself.  And yet again, I am stopped in my tracks, 5.75 miles up this road, a truck stuck in the mud sideways across the road. I began to ask myself again and again, what is this day about?  The truck got out of the mud with a little help, and I found myself on top of a snowy mountain, no trails to be found yet again.  I sat in a tree, suffering the wind and cold.  Until, I decided, no, this is not my offering, this struggle is no longer me, as I mark my adulthood, I mark my ability to make choices that feel good for me and help me live my truth.

Down the arduous dirt road I went.  Seeking another trail along the way, and over and over, I could not find one.  Tired and with everything in me giving up, I found myself along a lake by the side of the road, populated with people, which would have angered me just hours ago, but didn't because I lost all energy for anger. I sought out a little corner of the shoreline, and all of me surrendered. 

I took rest for the first time all day.  Watching the waves of the lake as the day grew old, in the remembering of the meadow's waves in the morning hours.  I watched mallard ducks glide across water, take flight, meet their flock and call out, all in the symbolism of finding comfort in your element.*  I watched a lady bug* rotate in her circle, cleaning her antenna or just getting comfortable.  A dragonfly* nymph, using my finger as his seat, spent a long while with each other, watching the waves of the lake change with the breeze.  

Then children came to play just 100 feet away.  Loudly creating their game as they went on.  Each child declaring new rules and the others quickly and easily complying as they collected branches twice their height.  I laughed at my intention.  Thinking of the anger that lingered through my day, and how my rigidity contributed to it so.  How my greatest medicine was to move away from the adulthood I so wished to intentionally mark a new beginning of, and embrace the child.  The changing of the game and adapting to what is.  To let go of the map of the trail that is meant to be so clearly marked, to release any diagram of where and what things are, for which, in life, there really is none.  

I can so effortfully move through life to try to get somewhere I think I should be, or I can sit by the lake, be in the senses of the child, knowing that every place of being is wonderful.  Perhaps I did not sit in the most perfect spot for that rigid part of me, yet the perfection met me.  Medicine received.  Everything I thought I knew is bogus!  So begins the new rules to the game I am making up as I go; and the best thing I can do, rather than grow angry, is accept it, pick up my giant branch and carry on enjoying the spontaneous adventure of life!

Five years ago, I had a map, and the more I tried to stay on the path the more I found myself off of it, in a field or overgrown grass, needing to trust my instincts in choosing a direction and creating my own path.  Is it the task of growing up and into myself.  

What do you do when you find yourself in a pathless field of tall all-encompassing grass?
 

---

Totems:
*Deer totem shows one a new innocence and freshness in life. You will feel the gentle lure of new adventures. There will be an opportunity to express the gentle love that will open new doors. 

*Duck totems are symbols of feminine energy, emotional comfort through water connection, remind us to drink deeply from the waters of life, to find comfort in your element and with those of like mind and spirit, to maneuver the waters of life with grace and comfort, and teaches us to assist others in moving through emotional tangles.  

*Ladybug animal totem heralds a time of luck and protection in which our wishes begin to be fulfilled. Their presence signals a time of shielding from our own aggravations and pests. Higher goals and new heights are possible with a Ladybug totem. Worries begin to dissipate. New happiness comes about. Ladybug also cautions not to try to hard or go too fast to fulfill our dreams. Let things flow at their natural pace. In the due course of time, our wishes will all come true. 

*Dragonfly totem are symbols of Illusion, the Power of Light, inhabiting two realms: air and water. Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, beckons one to seek out the habits that need change. Dragonfly guides one through the mists of illusion to the pathway of transformation..
 

Find a Way to Feel Awe Daily

 "Brief experiences of awe redefine the self in terms of the collective and orient our actions toward the interests of others.....Momentary experiences of awe stimulate wonder and curiosity."- Dacher Keltner

Experiencing Awe is important for the human psyche.   Through what is experienced as awe may be different depending on who you are.  There is something profoundly important that happens in this experience no matter who you are.  We begin to define ourselves in ways that ignite our connection to a larger world, a community, and a life-inspiring system.  And we even grow kinder and develop curiosity (in my opinion, one of the best qualities to hold).  Studies even how that experiencing awe daily, effects our immune system!  How incredible is that?  And all this had long lasting effects in a human's life!

Thus, I invite and encourage you to go out into the world, turn your awareness on to what inspires you!  Let go of the technology and running around working on something and go see the way children play, or stand looking up at a canopy of trees, or watch the river flowing with full force, go to an art museum or watch someone perform a dance.  Find ways that nourish your hunger for awe!  (Once you get started, you will notice they are not too difficult to find.)  You can even make a game of it, aim for 3 awes a day and let's see what happens. 

The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper. --Yeats

http://www.dailygood.org/story/1305/why-we-feel-awe-dacher-keltner/

River Happenings

With thumb and little finger,
gripping the earth,
all things hold to living.

Below this life, the river's skin
was mottled like a grapefruit's.

Solid, then liquified
against obsticles,
still and in motion.

Bumping into other lives,
The butterflies
rush off in their going.

And the green and silver relentless body
slyly taking the easy way across the land.

How can anyone capture this surrendering?

Swimming up stream, even the sun struggles to stay in one spot.

The Practice of Dying

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross (Death: The Final Stage of Growth, 1975) 

Paris, Syria, Seattle, Michigan, San Bernardino,Sacramento, Bowie, Rickman, Frey, a child in the community, a dear friend's husband, a grandparent, a father.  Death shows it's face more and more often these days, confronting us with the nature of being and the opening to evaluate living.

Death and Dying has long been a subject that stimulates a great deal of discomfort for people, we tend to look the other way unless something happens in our lives that focuses us to pay attention to our mortality.  It seems that the world is offering us a learning opportunity right now, in it's wonderful impromptu fashion.  As death is being revealed to us through shootings, terrorist attacks, natural disasters, unexpected heart attacks, recreational accidents, mysterious diseases and the inevitable approach of old age; What will we acquire?  

A consciousness of death is calling for relationship.  Are we ready to meet it?  Embrace whatever arises in the conversation? Walk with it hand in hand on the trail?  

I believe that the best way to meet this is in consciously developing a practice of death.  We can do this by marking the small "d" deaths in our lives; cultivating a practice of the letting go and honoring, in preparation for the big "D" Death at the end of our lives.  The ability to do this is largely based on the our willingness to consistently choose to step into the realm of the unknown, forgoing the known and comfortable.  In other words, challenge yourself to do whatever makes you say "I can't do that," "That would be terrifying," or "That is not for me."  

Let go of your idea of yourself.  Encounter the lesson of how temporary identity can be.  Forgo  familiarity, change careers, end a relationship that's not feeling right once and for all, step into being an adult, move to a new place,  let go of the role of parenting or finally embrace retirement, take up dance or activism when everyone around you thinks it may be a silly thing to do, go on a wilderness Quest and sit alone for 4 days without creature comforts.  As we move into experiences of little "D" deaths, we move into the spaces of the unknown and the growth is transformative.  (Transformative being defined as perspective changing on 3 levels: the psychological understanding of self, the revision of belief systems, and the behavioral changes of lifestyle).

In the past month, I have bumped into death and dying, perhaps not much more often than before but with more attention.  It hit me particularly when I unexpectedly heard word about my grandfather's death and then nearly 2 days later found myself in a horrific car accident that rattled my being.

My grandfather was my last living grandparent, all my grandparents survived the holocaust in one way or another.  He was a stoic man from what I could understand.  I didn't have much of a relationship with any of my grandparents due to either distance or language barriers.  But I have always felt aware of their determination to live as I recall their stories and feel their blood pulse in my veins.  As his death neared, for years now, my mother cared for him, and in her caring, I saw the difficulty for them both to let go. It was the big "D" Death of his passing that triggered the little "D' death of identity change for my mother. She could no longer be a care-taker and she could move into the role of being orphaned or growing into her parentless adulthood.  His wish was to live to the bitter end regardless of his state of functioning, which was a drawn out  experience of deterioration, as dementia does.  This spoke volumes to me about the difficult of stepping into the unknown especially after so many year of being defined as a surviver at all costs.  And when he clearly could no longer make any decisions, my mother held on for reasons she could not understand. It seemed like a fear of the ambiguity of what is next, a surrender to death would mean a surrendering to something that has long been fought off, with so much strength, resolve, and will.  Big realities needed to be confronted: forgiveness, gratitude, acceptance, a release of shame, humility, an acknowledgement of humanness, an ability to truly let go and step into a different way of being.

Our culture has so much love for what is and can be acquired in life; be it objects, material goods, praise, prestige, accolades, roles and relationships.  In this practice we lose sight of what is the natural cycle of living.  The trees acquire and lose their leaves every year, and best of all those leaves which have fallen feed the soil for the trees growth.  Can we live this truth without fear, anxiety, resistance?  

Two days after hearing of my grandfather's death, I found myself in a car accident and very shaken by the whole event.  I was clearly 2 seconds away from being pretty severely injured or more.  In addition, my vehicle was taken to the shop for 2 weeks which challenged my independence and mobility in the world.  It forced me to slow down and get curious, and most of all pause to acknowledge and mourn losses. It can be easy to fall into victimhood in these moments, though it is more so an opportunity to step into the archetype of the seeker, to be in the discovery of all that is already living inside of us.

There are great lessons in moving into these realms.  

Death, both big and little "D" death. often provokes loss and loneliness.  In my brushes with various experiences, it is the witnessing and presence of others that taught me with deep understanding that I am not alone, and that what is scary is must more easily faced in this knowing.  In loss, there is also the opportunity to interact with our struggle, which stimulates and activates our ability to connect to our spirituality, our deeper Self (not attached to any one identity) and to trust in something greater than ourselves.  There is much to gain in loss, if we can truly step into it. 

Being confronted by death stimulates reflection. I often think about how death reveals itself to us frequently during this time.  How are we being asked to engage with this element of living differently than we ever have? 

I am currently teaching a Death and Dying class at the local community college, the students and I engage in various meaningful and in-depth discussions on this topic on both personal and academic levels.  The term began with 23 students enrolled in the class, it dropped to 14.  For me this is a statement of how trying this topic is.  The practice of death is one for the brave-hearted, those who are wiling to deeply look into and reflect on how to sit with discomfort, loss, and the unknown.  For those who can withstand the discomfort of it, great compassion, love, sensitivity and appreciation can emerge; and even more, comes the ability to fully live life, beautifully in touch with our human nature.

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together" (Monroe).

What Must We Do To Inspire Purpose?

What is purpose?

William Damon, the director of the Stanford Center on Adolescence, defines purpose as “a stable and generalized intention to accomplish something that is at the same time meaningful to the self and consequential for the world beyond the self.”

Damon’s research breaks students into four categories on their path to purpose: the dreamers, the dabblers, the disengaged, and the purposeful (each of the categories representing roughly a quarter of the adolescent population). Extremely purposeful students exhibit high degrees of persistence, resourcefulness, resilience, and capacity for healthy risk taking.

The need for a new method of being with and educating our youth is one of great interest to our society today. It is the responsibility of the adults to take on educating our children in a way that is meaningful to them, and the current way just doesn't cut it!  We have lost sight of the power of creating relationship with students, collaboration among students, and fostering intrinsic motivation.  Our teens need world adventure and a deeper understanding of what it is to fail as a healthy concept for growth.

I have long felt the competitiveness of our culture and bump up against it in my professional and personal life often.  I see the closing off of people who share similar offerings and gifts to the community but feel it is "mine" not "ours" to hold.  I see the competitive fight for clientele or goods; rather than coming together in the honoring of the gifts shared. I truly feel heartbroken in the witnessing of this.  Thich Nhat Hanh wrote, "The next Buddha may take the form of community."  How do we live into this? I notice my desire to constantly entice collaboration at the cost of the death of ego and when it's done, the results are always one I cherish.  

I understand the battle of the ego in this world and I also see the need for it to loosen it's tight hold in order to reach for something greater.  We have an opportunity as adults to teach our youth differently.  When I teach and an authority figure comes to observe my class, I notice how I grow small in the wondering if I check all the boxes to meet the criteria of a "good educator" all the while knowing that my methodology is outside the box in so many ways.  How can we stop checking off boxes and practice a more authentic way of growing into this world? Can we truly trust and believe that we can educate through conversation, experiences, and relationships over tests, lectures, and the meeting of some set criteria?

I hope that we can cultivate a way to do this that entices purpose to emerge beautifully and courageously, that invites exploration of the world with allies who support and encourage each others' deeper knowing of Self.  And I hope, more than anything, that we, adults and teens alike, play bravely into this new design, that we test and cross the edges, willingly and purposefully, to create the much needed changes our world, through our youth, are calling into being.

Seven Ways to Help High Schoolers Find Purpose

Risk It All: Blossom.

And then the day came,
when the risk
to remain tight
in a bud
was more painful
than the risk
it took
to Blossom. 

-Anais Nin

I am hearing great stories of risk singing in the wind everywhere I turn, and with it the notes of opportunity to grow.  The voices of challenge among voices of doubt and fear in the choir.  What is this soundtrack we are all tuning into?

The risk to try something different rather than doing the same old, same old.  The risk of a new job or to choose to let go to a role you always play.  The risk to start looking at yourself with new eyes and asking for help in this process, when once you chose to hide away from any such task.  The risk to start doing art or move your body in ways you never have before.  The risk to be imperfect again and again.  The risk to feel.  The risk to interact with people you know may lead to hurt.  The risk to love.  The risk to let go of relationships and make more space for yourself.  The risk to write, or dance, or start actually manifesting your life long dream.  The risk to travel to unknown places, to meet unknown people.  The risk to change the way you view something. The risk to trust.  The risk to let go of security for something more inspiring and scary.  The risk to show up, be seen and heard and exposed to potential ridicule and criticism, and even be exposed to potential praise.  The risk to step into who you are becoming.

In my work with teens and young adults, I have listened to endless stories of risk.  Amazed at the lack-luster courage of these young hearts willing to risk their lives for social acceptance or a thrilling exposure to near death.  What is the message here?  And what is the greater learning?

I think about risk in terms of the hero’s journey.  At least once in our life, we are called to adventure, if we are really lucky we are called to it on a daily basis!  And how many of us hear the call and continue on in our daily routine?  With all the good reasons not to move into the adventure, we hold ourselves in our life with safety being primary. 

But if we choose, we can truly embrace the call, and it is at the threshold crossing that we come to see what we are made of, when all the people and thoughts are screaming, “stay here” or “turn back, don’t go too far” and we can’t help but keep stepping forward.  We move into unknown territories, perhaps scarier for those around us than it is for us, we are driven to take these steps by a force more powerful than our will.  We keep going, determined to meet our challenges with all we have in us.  It is here that transformation begins.

The journey is important and it is one that introduces us to ourselves. 

On one level we do this on our own, we know this as we meet our task and have to make the choice to jump off the cliff.  Yet, on another level, we are also in good company, our greatest allies arise in this place. 

I have witnessed myself and my clients take on this task, and it is no graceful process.  But the story of risking is important. 

Joseph Campbell's model of the The Hero's Journey

It begs the questions of, why?  What calls us to do this?  What calls us to put ourselves in seemingly crazy situations?

As I hear the story of young people, I find I am asking myself these questions often. And what comes to me is that it is the risks that teach us the BIG lessons.  The risks bring us to the edge of something, and on that edge we discover the vastness of the world and the magnitude of who we are arises!  The risks transform us in all the kicking and screaming anger, the crying and resistant closing in, the prayers for something different, and hopefully in the short lasted “Weeeeeee!” as we jump into the unknown.  And if nothing else, we meet the people who are truly in our corner as we walk this life path.

It’s about purpose. 

Teens and young adults come to the edge consistently, and in it they reveal to us that something is and needs to shift, this is their purpose as the generation that comes next.  And as they risk, they reveal to themselves and their community, who they are and what they are capable of.  Like a butterfly in a cocoon, they are in the struggle of emerging, each movement in confinement, an inquiry of if the timing is right to breathe breathe differently, to embody a new form.  It is the process of individuation.   No longer a child of their family, no longer a caterpillar of land only, but a creature of earth and air, of more than one realm: realms of family and community and a more whole Self, with an opportunity to reveal their own unique brilliance.  And if anyone is able to witness them and support them in it, they become a being to be seen frequently and by the larger collective.

As adults, we often loose sight of the meaning of these dangerous leaps, we may even judge them. Adults tend to grow into believing there is so much at stake, so much we can loose, all that we have acquired could be gone, then what would we have to show for ourselves?  As teens, we hold life differently and with so much emotion, our psyche craves to feel something big, an ordeal that helps us embrace our aliveness, it’s a deep-seated need.  As adults, we forget that this need still lives in us, and often we silence it.  Then we sit wondering how we can feel so stagnant.

In the past few years, what has been a large part of my practice is to ask myself, “what scares me most?”  and then to choose to meet that fear again and again.  We look at teenagers and think they are crazy for their behaviors and wild actions, but actually they are the most courageous of beings!  We need to stop turning our heads to this.  Let us praise their brave, wild, and daring approach.  Let us mark, acknowledge and celebrate that they live through each seemingly crazy action!

Since I have been asking myself this question of what scares me most and moving toward the fear, I realized my life has become vastly different.  I had a 9-5 and with it the security of a paycheck and health insurance, I didn’t ventured out much in fear of vulnerable exposure, embarrassing myself or being in the deep unknown and the costs of this I made up in my mind.  I had relationships that I felt I could fall back on if anything went awry, I was on track in what I thought would be my life-long career, I thought I knew about how to love and who I was meant to be with, I was confident in what I wanted in my life and exactly how it looked and assured that it would make me happy.  It didn’t.  I began to wonder what I had to loose in doing what I feared.  Today, I realize, sometimes consciously and other times, not so consciously, I chose to risk it all! 

Now, with ever 9-5 job offer, I think, “wouldn’t that be comfortable and nice.”  Only to quickly realize that it would mean letting go of what I learned to be my life purpose, so I turn these job offers down and I am terrified in every moment of this action.  In relationships that were no longer serving me, I grew confident in myself to create boundaries and acknowledge myself over the other, even at the risk of loosing these relationships, which I have.  Though I am gaining myself more each day.  I risked in loving and getting hurt and I risked in hurting others and being hated.  I risked in challenging attitudes about societal values and personal exposure.  And when things were not working out for me, rather than moving away, I gambled on staying and facing the discomfort.   I chance the possibility of failing daily. I risked in taking wild adventures of trust into worlds I have never entered into and never thought I would enter into.  I risked being in love, I risked letting go of love. I continually risked being on my own in the abyss of the unknown, in the scary places of not seeing what is next.  I even jumped out of plane with my fear of heights and falling!  And each action has revealed a new element of who I am, what I have to offer, who my people are, where I belong, and what I am capable of.

With every movement toward what I feared most, I let go and found what it means to trust myself and the world I am so naturally part of, and that is so naturally part of me.  The headwaters of a river may not see it’s final destination, it may not even see just around the bend, though it knows it will hit some unfamiliar terrain. Still it continues to take it’s course never wondering what if it stopped before meeting every rock and eddy. 

Just a week ago, I began a new path for me, as the past year has been one of releasing the career identity I carried through much of my adult life, I began a new path in teaching at the community college level.  I knew in my entire being that I am meant to do this and did everything in my power to attain the position.  Obstacles arouse, threshold guardians suggesting my return to the norm, and I found myself meeting them with great resolve and tenacity to move forward.  And this week, when I found myself in the classroom for the first time, teaching, I fell deeply into overwhelm and the dark places of doubt.  Who am I to do this?  I have not a clue what I am doing.  I am way out of my league.  The desire was to return to what is known, though it was too late.  I had reached the point of no return.  And thus arouse the ally and helper in my story.  I called my friend the night I felt overwhelmed, knowing she cannot save me from this journey, but she can support me in it.  She witnessed me in this time, mirroring to me what she saw in my abilities and gifts, and encouraged me to continue on and meet my challenges, slay the dragons, sit in the discomforts and not give up.   

Just as our psych needs us to risks in order for us to see ourselves, it equally needs community to witness and hold us in the turbulence of this process.

I wanted to return and confirm old stories I have about myself: my worth and my capabilities.  I watched myself grow more and more overwhelmed, whining, crying, praying for simplicity, and even hoping for someone to come a save me from this life!  I watched myself longing for someone to tell me I’ll be okay because I didn’t believe it when I said to myself.  The importance of the ally cannot be neglected.  In our hyper independent culture, the risk of asking for help can be the biggest of all along our path.  The journey is not easy and without these aids, it is nearly impossible.  When we cannot see ourselves in the dark abyss, the voices of our allies guide us on.  And in time, our ally’s voice becomes our own and we can take our whining self by the hand toward great transformation: the discovery of what it is that we can rely on in ourselves that we have not yet known. 

This is the beauty of Wilderness Quests.  The Quest not only asks that we risk our creature comforts for shelter, company and food but we also risk the ways in which we believe we know ourselves.  We face a great ordeal and return to our community renewed, reborn: breathing new breath into life, choosing to embrace our gifts and the challenge of incorporating, as the world around us offers tests and trails in the questions our commitment to purpose.

There is something about risking that wakes us up!  And the world needs awake people. 

“If life is a test, the only way to pass is to follow your soul purpose.”  A dear friend of mine once said that to me. 

You may be asking who in their right mind would do this?  Who would ever risk comforts?  Why would one choose to give up all that is known and good for something so uncertain and trying? The answer is: because this is what life is about!  We feel most alive when we meet and celebrate ourselves in moments of great heroism!  In the moments after we have faced the great ordeal with all of ourselves, we come alive to our lives!  So I say:  Take a chance.  See what happens.  Meet your life.  Meet your purpose.  Risk it all!  The tight bud cannot hold you forever. So, as the risky winds howl to you, I implore you, Blossom.​

Why Teens Take Risks

When a teens begins to act in ways that challenge the adults, community, the way of life, this is a wonderful sign! This is your teen telling you they are ready for initiation! This is the next generation informing the older generation that a shift needs to occur for the wellbeing of the community. There is a craving to face a great ordeal, something that challenges the teen, to reveal to them their strength, courage and unique abilities. We have lost the process in which we do this. Thus, the teen is often left to create it for him/herself in much more risky ways, all the while craving to be seen and witnessed in their life.

Risky behaviors inform us that the child is no longer a child, they are ready to take on living in a bigger way. The question becomes how, as adults and community members, do we step up to the plate and support them? Risky behaviors are not meant to be seen as a problem or issue; it is the failure of the adult to recognize it as such. Risky behaviors are invitations for community to come together and support the growth of a young person.

Parents: (Power, Parents, Praise, and Paris Part III)

The holidays have come and went, and with them, an array of thoughts, feelings and reflections.  In all my years of working as a therapist, I have found this time of year to be the most tumultuous.  It is a time ripe with opportunity.  

We are now emerging slowly out of the darkest time of year.  We are mirroring and being mirrored in the natural process of experiencing this darkness.  It just so happens that as this is occurring inside and outside, we are also participating in the time of year where family comes together.  For some, it’s the one time of year you may see your parents.  For others, it may be a reminder of how disconnected you may be to family.  Some may experience this time with expectations, an idea of how it should be, and then the inevitable disappointment as we realize we have no control over the other.  This can leave us feeling powerless, sad, maybe even shame or angry.  Some may choose to spend this time of year as quietly as possible, and in that feel pleasant in the avoidance of all that this time of year holds.  And even in the quietness, maybe feelings of a loss of what could be possible arise.   Out of such a short period of time, we can invite wider reflection.

During this highly emotional time, conflict can arise internally and externally, and in these moments, we can give our authority away; be it to parent, inner child, or the world around us.  How do we so easily lose ourselves?  What is this epidemic of ,”Just make it through this, passivity” or, it’s not so kind cousin, “No one wants to be in the same room, anger”?  I am left with curiosity about this process.

Not too long ago, my dog got loose, began to chase a neighbor’s dog, resulting in a dogfight.  The neighbor then came over to talk to me about the matter, and I watched myself grow into a 5 year old getting scolded.  I found myself looking down and overly compliant with her remarks and desires.  Later asking myself, “where did I just go?”

In relationship, it is easy to fall unconscious to old patterns of relating.  We can find ourselves continually playing out a dynamic of relating with our primary caregiver(s).  We learned to be in the world and connect with people through these formative years when we adapted in order to survive in our family system.  

As the holidays have come and gone, in your role as parent, child or both in your greater family system.  I ask you to take time to reflect on what dynamics have played out for you.

I watched myself react as a petulant child, growing quiet and avoidant when not getting what I want, or tip toeing around and asking permission.  I also saw the defiant teenager, trying to point out the right to exist in the world on my own terms, triumphantly make an entrance, demanding to not be made up or told what to do.  There are so many more ways I could have responded to be more present and engaged in the interaction while to holding myself in a place of strength and knowing.

How do we get more conscious?

First, I believe we need to slow down.  These reactions happen quickly, they sideswipe us; and when all is said and done we wonder what happened.  Slowing down gives us more of an opportunity to be in our power.  Slow is fast.  Fast is super speed.  Thus, super slow is normal paced.  I implore you to aim for snail pace. 

Second, ask yourself what is happening.  Name whatever is taking hold of you that needs to be worked out.  What old stories are you proving true?  How can you approach with beginners mind instead?

Next, begin to practice another way of doing it: visualize the play with a different ending, speak it our, act it out with a friend.  Be ready for the next time.

The exciting thing is, we always get another chance! We can grow in the practice of respecting our Self. 

I can now say to the neighbor sharing her anger with me, “Yes, my dog can be aggressive and I have thought about avenues of managing this; at the same time it is clear to me that she is my dog and we are meant to be in this life together, and I will do what I deem is the best route for me and her.” 

In the struggle with family, I am in the process of practicing claiming myself.  I show up to reveal myself to them again and again, and hope that they see me for who I am.   I do this calmly, breathing often, and accessing my mature self.  I recognize the time when this is not possible, and thus I take time to grow myself, separate from them.  They are not my responsibility; personal power is in living my responsibility to myself!  There is a practice of dying in order to live in this. I loose so much: their presence and the ways in which they have supported me.  I feel the struggle of this detachment, and it is painful yet I hold to the knowing of its necessity.  The distance from them that is created as I stand in myself brings me closer to who I am so that I can develop more honestly and clearly.  The entangled We must die so that the empowered I can live.  This is natural.  An acorn that stays an acorn forever, dries up, becomes hallow inside or becomes food for others.  The acorn that breaks away from the parent branch and rolls down the hill to become it’s own strong standing Oak by the river is destined to grow bigger, stronger and take its own shape over time. As parents, may we have children for no other principal reason than to grow us as we grow them!

Imagine, your parents holding you as you were born, despite their wiser knowing, making promises and dreaming dreams that cannot be kept. Parents can have a way of making their children’s life some reflection of who they innately are. 

However, it is the rite of the child to reveal themselves to the parent and community in order to introduce change, to shift what once was and invite in what can be, to declare themselves and their powerful presence in this world!  This is a gift for both the child becoming an adult and the parent watching their child do so, failing to participate in this process brings consequences.  This world needs independent thinking, strong individuals right now.  Being small is a waist of time.

The individuation process is one that begs us to come alive to ourselves, to our own inner authority, our own power, be it when we are 15 or 51.  As we sit with our parents how do we honor who we all are?  As you reflect on how you parent and were parented, how do you hold deep compassion and understanding?  We all have parents, some of us have children, and we can all do this work: to honor the humanness and growth of one another.  To honor the natural cycle of this experience.  It is a rite for a child to become a powerful adult, just as it is a rite to let go of being a parent as much as it is to become one.

Howard Thurman said it beautifully: “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”  

Power, Parents, Praise, and Paris Part II

Power.

I recently acknowledged all the ways in which I walked up to the full experience of my life, opened the door but would not walk through.  I wondered what was keeping me.  What keeps all of us from our living into the power of who we are? 

Fear.  

How often do we fall into feeling victim to our lives?  Each of us have gifts to offer this world, some of us know what they are, some of us are still in the process of discovering our gift.  And many of us wish to use our gift but feel blocked somehow; blaming our situation for all ways we keep ourselves small.  Meanwhile, our dreams and our desire to meet these dreams are big.  I have noticed the ways in which we live in the discrepancy between what we believe we deserve and who we believe we are.  The need is to decipher between these two ends of the spectrum in order to live into our life.

How is it that we have become more fearful of our own success than we are fearful of living a life as a victim?  How is that we have come to prefer the comforts of our suffering over the stretching into our talents?

There is so much fear around stepping into who we are.  Perhaps, we feel we will offend someone in doing so; we stop ourselves from being big in order to maintain peace or not make waves.  Perhaps, we sense that the repercussions of such actions are too unknown: the power in knowing is safer than the realizing of our power to face the unknown which may reveal failure or courage.   Maybe, if we act from our place of power we may have to give up the comforts of life we have grown so accustom to (money, a relationship, being liked etc.).  Or, we have so long made ourselves small that accessing our power seems a nearly impossible task, we may not even know where our power lives inside of us or how to meet it and let it show up in valuable ways.

Many years ago, I read a book called The Art of Power by Buddhist monk, author, peace activist, spiritual leader and a Nobel Peace Prize winner, Thich Nhat Hanh.  He wrote:

"Our society is founded on a very limited definition of power, namely wealth, professional success, fame, physical strength, military might, and political control. My dear friends, I suggest that there is another kind of power, a greater power: the power to be happy right in the present moment, free from addiction, fear, despair, discrimination, anger, and ignorance. This power is the birthright of every human being, whether celebrated or unknown, rich or poor, strong or weak."

I am guilty of having a skewed idea of power most of my life.  As a Jewish woman who grew up in middle-class America to immigrant parents with the desire to be a therapist to support others in their life; I have long lived in this idea that I will never be powerful because of my race, my socioeconomic status, my physically small stature, my quiet voice, my career choices and even my emotional and empathic way of connecting.  I have wondered how to step into power, finding myself challenged by this societal definition.  Did I have to wear heals or suits? Speak more loudly?  Conceal parts of myself and act a certain way?  To feel like a powerful being was I required to step out of my comfort zone and be something I am not?  What about the power of gentleness?  The power of quiet?  The power of emotion?  Is there a power inside of me that doesn’t require an effort of doing but rather a process of being?   Can we shift our understanding of power to one that is more accepting of who we are as we are?

The invitation is to embrace the archetype of the Lioness, which is one of listening to our conscience and obeying its advice, questioning and creating change, acquiring self-knowledge, and developing an authentic way of being with humility and love.  The associated image is one of the rising sun; a powerful time of day when everything comes awake.  This totem offers lessons in dealing with community and groups, bringing issues to the surface to be examined.  The Lioness announces her presence yet avoids confrontation.  They are courageous nurturers, organizers and natural leaders.  The Lioness asks us to stretch our talents and broaden our horizons, bringing out our latent passions to be explored and unbridled.  This archetype asks us to live life fully!  

There is much to learn from the Lioness.  Most of all, power can look different ways.  It does not have to roar, it can be gentle and affectionate. It need not be fearful and aggressive and self-serving, but rather oriented toward community, service, trust.  There is more power in deep knowing rather than merely acting, in presence rather than in pushing boundaries.

What I have learned in the process of stepping into my power is: test it out.  Test out what it’s like to say what you really truly think, test out declaring what it is you want.  When you and your friend are deciding where to go to dinner or what movie to go see, state an opinion even though you may not really care.  Try out just picking a place and see how it goes and how it feels.  See what it’s like to speak truthfully about something you personally know deep within your soul, though you may fear judgment or shame.  What if we practiced being less passive, what if we stop saying, “I don’t care,” or “I don’t know”?  How incredibly powerful this could be!? Because in fact, we always know, we always care, we just have to remember to access our knowing and caring!  Show up for your knowing, and may that be all you hope to gain.

The most powerful thing we can do is to know ourselves and be true to ourselves.  In doing this, we can simultaneously invite others to do the same.  And we can do this in a way that empowers rather than frightens each other.  Then we not only connect to a personal experience of our gifts but we create a powerful community that accesses and shares their gifts of knowing.  A community that doesn’t fall victim but rises up as heroes/heroines in the personal and collective journey of being human; a community that is less afraid and more courageous; a community that walks up to the door of life and not only opens it and walks through, but blasts it wide open, making an unforgettable entrance.  

Power, Parents, Praise, and Paris.

The last month has presented much to work with, the outer world inviting us to reflect on the inner.  I find myself deeply invested in the question of how we as humans come to know the power of who we are and how it effects the world.  As a rites of passage facilitator, I believe that through the process of initiation individuals are able to know and embrace their inner power in a way that reveals the gift of who they are and what they have to offer the world. Yet I also feel acutely aware of the other players we continually encounter along the way, those who enhance, encourage, challenge, or manipulate our sense of power and Self.  Perhaps these outer influences are greater upon those yet to undergo a healthy initiatory experience? Either way they act to render us more vulnerable to the outside world.  

Our parents play the primary authority role in our lives. This authority operates from when we are born and sometimes unconsciously into our late adulthood.  Parenting is the most challenging task humans can offer themselves. The primary task of any healthy parent is to invest love and life into another being. They are responsible for all aspects of the child’s development and then have to let go as they come into the realization of their child’s becoming their own unique being and is rightly investing their energy and life force in the places they choose, regardless of their parent’s approval. No longer being preoccupied with pleasing our parents is a major part of growing up.  When the roles long practiced with our parents shift, we start to come into a new dynamic of stepping into ourselves, which can be profoundly powerful for parent and child.  This process in and of itself is a significant rite of passage.   

Praise is a beautiful practice of paying tribute to the good we notice, a practice that is so often underused and yet overwhelmingly powerful. If we are able to deliberately turn our attention to praise rather than it’s less useful and certainly less comfortable cousin: negative judgment.  In practicing praise; that is making an effort to focus our attention on appreciating a person for their attempts to do something that is meaningful to them, rather than the quality of the result they might achieve, we learn the power of our attention. We learn how we have choice and that through that choice we define the quality of people’s lives.

The horror of the Paris murders and the subsequent Mali massacre, events that will undoubtedly have powerful repercussions for generations to come, call us as humans to sit with what it means to feel unsafe in the world. The question: how do individuals choose to demonstrate their powerful presence in this world at this time? Do we chose to stand with violence? Or do we stand with courage in the presence of what scares us until we see the truth of that? Or with fighting or surrendering to some form of peace in or outside ourselves, etc..?  And after all these swirling questions, I am left asking how do we invite understanding and compassion in these moment, rather than perpetuate the fear and anger that causes these situations in the first place?  What powerful presence do we chose to embody?

My next four blogs will delve deeply into each of these topics, I will be exploring the role of power and also the practices that help us step more fully  into who we are as together we create the world we wish to live in!

The Essence of Ecotherapy

Awaiting the arrival of my community, I create what will shelter us from the storm yet invite in contact with the elements.

“It’s important to redirect our attention to what Mother Nature has to offer,” she says. “It helps foster communication. If we see a hawk flying overhead, one of my adolescents might talk about his interest in birds, and then about his general interests. Or a woman might observe the beauty of the fall foliage, and that might spark a conversation that can relate back to her personally.”

“Bad weather is a metaphor for life,” she says. “Sometimes things don’t work out the way you want them to, but it’s important to get outside.”

-Quote from the Boston Globe Article: New Course of Treatment

The other day I was doing a talk on the model of Oaks Counsel.  This offering came to me as I thought about what I do and felt into the teachings as something that is not to be held closely to the chest but rather shared with a community in all ways possible. Forgetting about money, time, effort and leaning fulling into the greater value of this.  Even more so, I thought of how I have lived these teaching in my life and how every fiber of my being is screaming out, "SHARE THIS WITH THE WORLD! It is what you are meant to do!"  I wondered about the barriers that stood in the way of spreading the word to the community and how I could best eliminate those barriers in the small town of Nevada City and Grass Valley and beyond into the larger surrounding communities, Sacramento and Reno, as well as across this country and globally.

Then, as I stood in the excitement of this calling and the anticipation of this free talk offering, in what can be considered one of the driest areas of California, it rained! And well, I wondered how much the rain would be a barrier for people to come out into nature to talk.  But out I went with tarp and rope in hand, ready to construct our shelter from the storm and huddled under awaiting the arrival of my community.  And the joy that arouse in the puddle stomping, singing in the rain, hair frizzing, hand freezing, curl in, run about on the earth moments made me come alive, nourished by it all just as the land was.

Yes, weather, and everything in nature is a metaphor for life: the good, the bad, the ugly, the pleasant, the discomfort, the struggles and nourishments that informs us in ways we may only become conscious of in time as the seasons in and outside of ourselves continue to change.

I felt the cold air as I stepped in puddles and my bare wet hands wrestled with various unhelpful lengths of rope, tying knots in a peaceful way. And as I spoke of the model with joy and excitement to my audience, the rain came and went.  The tarp would rise up high in gusts of strong winds, letting light into the shelter, the brightness would always surprise me.  Then the tarp would drop down and hit us on the head.  When I would speak of the parts of our self that are dark and call us to ask us who we are, we sat under the shadow of the tarp; when I spoke of the creativity and wild and wise parts of self the tarp lifted in full force.  When speaking of orienting to our sense and experiencing the world through the body; the birds chirped, the rocks beneath us were felt, and the deep noticing of the intricate and delicate parts of plants revealed themselves.  In the conversation of acknowledging our gifts to the world, the rain stopped and there was no need for the tarp any longer, it was time to be revealed to the world. 

There are so many times when I have taken clients out on walks and trees, animals, winds have spoken loud and clearly about deeply intricate personal stories and feelings.  This is the most beautiful part of doing this work outside, it connects us with a knowing that we are greater than the idea we have of ourselves, we belong to something greater, we are connected to the world around us, and just as it gifts to us, we gift to it!

Nature mirrors us, and we mirror it.  It is important to bring our attention to mother nature and to allow ourselves to experience the deeply personal experience of all that nature communicates with us.    This is the essence of eco-therapy.

Feel Better?

©Joel Robison

I came across a photo-campaign that puts a face to the depression of men.  Included were a series of photographs of men meeting the word "Better".  This really struck me.  

The National Institute of Mental Health states that 6 million American men are effected by depression each year, they are also less likely than women to seek help. The World Health Organization estimated that 350 million worldwide suffer from depression.  I can't help but contemplate what is happening and how can I help?

There is no doubt a stigma about depression and about most mental health diagnosis.  No doubt, no one is really talking about.  No Doubt, the message is and continues to be "Be Happy" or "Feel Better".  For men, in particular, the message tends to be "Be Strong." This pressure is ridiculous!  And even more, it's asking us to abandon ourselves to meet some ideal that feels nearly impossible most of the time.  What does feel better even mean?  It seems to imply some duality. Better than what?  Is putting ourselves in a box doing anything for us? The experience of being human is wildly gray, and thank goodness for that!  We get to be all the colors of the changing leaves, we get to be the worm and the bird eating it, we get to be the tree bark that is chard and the one that's vibrant, we get to be the down tree and the one standing tall and the one curved in every direction!  "Show me one blade of grass in the wrong place." (I think the Buddha said something like that).

I really feel into the sadness of men in the world.  As the masculine part of myself feels hit, assaulted, by the message of "be strong", my sensitive emotionality shrinks to the size of a pin tip.  Just as my feminine feels the pressure and effort of "be happy", leaving me suffocating, gasping for the air of my bigness.  Innately, men are said to be providers and women caregivers; the pressure of men to do, make, fix is heartbreaking to me.  Who are you when all is said and done?  What are you if you don't do, make, fix?  Is there even time leftover in your day for your other gifts to see the light or are you just tired? No wonder depressions statistics are what they are!

I am continually blown away about our fear of the depth of these feelings!  I grow sad knowing that so many face the challenges of these depths alone for fear of what others may think.  I am sad to see all the ways we are so busy putting ourselves in boxes we loose sight of the wholeness of who we are.  

Particularly at this time of year, as the seasons change and the it's darker for much more of the day, our human nature comes to intimately know feelings associated with depression.  It is our human nature to mirror our natural world and vis versa.  If we wish to be well-rounded individuals, we cannot be in the spring and summer season of things all the time.  When we hold the mentality of "Feel Better", "Be Strong", "Just, Be Happy", we negate the more shadowy parts of ourselves that exist because of the light.  These parts of ourselves are really the best!  The darker parts end up being our greatest teachers as they invite us to challenge and sit in the discovery of who we truly are; it asks us again and again what are we harvesting during the dying of things in and outside or ourselves?  It is only by asking these big questions and by sharing this with our community that we begin to more fully see our gifts to the world.  It is times like these that beg us to grow up, to become initiated so that we can fully be of service to the world. 

And let's face it, the natural world overall, feels pretty sad these days.  In this way, these statistics of depression are not shocking.  What's is shocking is that we turn our heads to this simple truth: we are nature and nature is us!  Nature wants us to grief, even more, nature is calling us to grieve with her and with each other.  It's true, the time for stigmatizing these parts of ourselves and the natural way of things is no longer serving us, we need each other now.  

So I implore you, feel sad! And talk about it! Speak on behalf of sadness, for it has long craved a voice. For it is sadness the engages the warrior in us, the fierce part of ourselves that fights unimaginable battles in the face of great adversity.  And as we engage the warrior, our strong , happy and "better" or rather full Self is revealed! Know these feelings deeply, as they live in you, because these feelings, when felt and seen by your community, will inspire what you mean to all of us.  I can't wait to see how this changes you and the world!

©Joel Robison

Reference: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/better-starts-here-campaign_562a8ecbe4b0443bb563fbe2